THE ALMOST DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO BEARS

I rate the bears I know and love, maybe you know and love them too, maybe you hate them, maybe you find a new friend or enemy. Either way, join me on the journey of celebrating my favourite animal.

One time I took a what popular bear are you quiz and it didn’t have Rilakkuma on it and I was like what was the Point. The quiz had failed me, and the bear community. So I set out on the important multi-tab journey to compile the BEARS OF THE WORLD (BOTW can have the acronym back when they release more BOTW2 footage) I cannot rank bears from 1-10 because you don’t rank your friends. I will however provide commentary. Lettuce begin and Please bear with me. :3c


Teddiursa

Out of the 500 plus pokemon in the world I will choose this bear everytime. Their debut episode has them stealing food and blaming others and absconding responsibility with their cuteness. They are the BE GAY, DO CRIME of Pokemon. I currently own 7 Teddiursa plushes and I am determined to own more. I love u Teddiursa. In game they are almost IMPOSSIBLE to fucking get but when you can teach ‘em earthquake they will kill you. plus put teddiursa in sword & shield pokemon please pwLease.

Pancham

Pokemon likes to make the bear pokemon criminals? Whatever, I support it. Out of the trio of bear pokemon this is my second favourite. As a child I had a stuffed animal family of Panda bears. This is most likely where whatever this is we are witnessing stemmed from. I would argue Teddiursa is like my rising sign and Pancham is my Moon sign. When the pokemon fit comes out for this lil dude I will be ready.

Cubchoo

BABY BABY BABY. I chained like 300 of these little monsters to get a shiny version they’re so stupid cute…snotgirl whom?

Ursaring
This may be controversial but I will press B. I do love Ursaring, but compared to Teddiursa there is just no contest.

Pangoro

They look like crime bosses…they’re so cool. Dark and Fighting is just a good type mashup, too. I had a lot of good times with my Pangoro named Andy…we got a shiny eevee together…

Beartic

Just a weird cold little man.

Rilakkuma
I l-love you. Relax bear! Take it easy! The only thing beating my teddiursa collection is my Rilakkuma one. I sleep with three Rilakkumas, yes this is the mortifying ordeal of being known. This is my bear. I love them. What are they? Who are they? Are they even a bear? You only have a cannon Rilakkuma if you unzip him and he has blue polka dot fabric interior. When I can own the human sized Rilakkuma I will be closer to obtaining my hierarchy of needs.

Korilakuma

Trouble maker cutie. Obviously femme coded and that’s her right! I love her but not as much as…

Chairoikoguma

HE HAS HONEY ON HIS BUTT, IS FERAL, LIVES IN THE WOODS, HAS FANGS AND AS OF THE 2021 UPDATE IS TRYING TO BEFRIEND A WOLF (THAT ALSO HAS HONEY ON THEIR BUTT) BY GIVING THEM FLOWERS. I LOVE HIM! I once spent a lot of money on an online japanese claw machine game to try to win his fake crown stuffie just to discover I could use a proxy shipper instead. Highlight of my pandemic breakdown I guess.

Dangonropa Bear
I don’t know shit about Dangonropa except that this bear is in it and I think this bear is…ugly.

Kung Fu Panda

My mom really likes Kung Fu Panda. I do not.

Bearmon

They are kind of cute they look like they’re ready to go to their first leatherbar and good for them.

Grizzlymon

This is a bear wearing a leather jacket, good for them. You can tell that Bearmon grew up to be respected in the leather community.

Pandamon

Extremely cute, must be related to pancham has the same kind of fight energy.

Monzaemon

I loved Monzaemon. Didn’t they meet them really early on in their adventure and it immediately tried to kill them? Good for them.

Warumonzaemon

I respect any goth version, especially a bear, but they have been through some shit. Let him rest….he’s tired. This is me post pandemic y’all. Actually, this me now. help.mp3

Fredbear

Doesn’t even look like a bear it looks like a bastard evolution of Loudred from pokemon. Build a bear gone wrong. Also I don’t like FNAF and it’s wild to me how it became this micropopular thing 7 year olds liked?

Those 3 Ginger Kids That Became Bears

I liked how much trouble they caused it was very endearing. Design wise…their heads are so big they look like bobbleheads. I don’t remember Brave…I enjoyed it in theatres but only because there WERE bears. The mom as a bear was a bear and the bear as the bear that was evil was also a bear so I guess they were good, too.

Armoured Bears from The Golden Compass

They really scared me when I first read His Dark Materials! They were so serious they felt like the aunties/uncles of the book. Like I didn’t want Lyra to upset them or disappoint them? lmao.

Care Bears

Wow they’ve had a lot of redesign done since I watched this before I’d go to school. When I was growing up liking a thing was really dependent on it fitting into your cable schedule. So I never really got to watch Care Bears but I liked them in theory. Did they ever explain why there was like…a lion and an elephant?I liked grumpy bear best, what a surprise.

EDIT: TRICK OR SWEET BEAR IS THE BEST CAREBEAR WOW
EDIT EDIT: I have now learned they are Care Cousins. The horse is a lot to take in. EDIT EDIT EDIT: There was a BLM bear because of 2020 lmao I’m fucking out of here bye!

Pumpkinder

Halloween theme bears have a soft spot in my dusty haunted heart. They are a mascot for Halloween and I love them, would let them trick OR treat me.

INTERMISSION: I just realized I forgot the animal crossing bears and cubs in the original list planning. gender, help

BOTW Bear

Riding this bear was a cultural reset for me. I self actualized in this moment. There are two living witnesses who can testify to what an experience this was. I love this bear, my star marker is only used to map out Bear locations. BOTW2 please let me keep bear as friend and pet so I can ride around with my friend forever.

The Bears Who Saved Christmas

Watching this as a kid felt SO REAL. I really felt the real world stakes of being snowed in and missing christmas, so watching these come to life teddy bears SAVE christmas was like, amazing to my peanut child brain. You can watch the whole thing on youtube lmao, it is not as great to watch as a jaded adult.

Teddy

Did anyone else read these? Were they popular? They just showed up in my house, I don’t remember my mom ever reading them to me but when I could read myself I loved reading these books. The art was really cute. I still own them but the one in the pic above was the best!

Frank Asch’s Bear

More childhood bears…There are apparently a lot of other Asch Bear books but Milk and Cookies was the BEST ONE. Because it was almost a horror story. The bear thinks there is a monster in his home and get’s scared by the furnace and then there is a monster and they share milk and cookies. I think. Anyways I love how flat this bear is, could slide him under a door no problem.

Mocha and Milk
They are in love (I think) and that is nice. They have a lot of really cute and fun animated bear stickers. My favourite is the one where one of them dropkicks the other in the face lmao.

???

Do you know this bear?! I can’t remember their name. I have pictures of them saved and they always look worried. I want to ease their worries….

Zozi

Zozi is a gay coded thespian from the straight to VHS Anastatia side film featuring Bartok. This movie was very convoluted but I watched it with friends. Did you even know there was a Bartok straight to VHS movie? You do now.

Baloo

Is the jungle book bad? Yes, absolutely. Is Baloo dating a panther? I think… so. Is Bear Necessities and absolute bop of a song? Fuck yeah it is. Would a bear even be in the jungle? Probably…not…?

Gloomy Bear

Pink and covered in blood, design wise, they are perfect. They were designed to be the anti-thesis to things that are cute and in that, they are a failure because they are still cute to me.

BEAR VILLAGERS

Yes I made a hands across America inspired graphic. They are in no order, but these are the ones I would let live with me. Klaus is a past resident and currently I have Ike living and tending to a waterfront garden. IKE HAS A SON, which I mention below:

CUB VILLAGERS

They are perfect, superior to bear villagers, cute, and round perfection. The only villager on my shit list is Barold who I can’t tell if he is racist, homophobic or BOTH. Stitches is my baby and lives on my island forever and I used to have Cheri and she is literally batshit insane and would fight everyone and now lives with a friend. I Love. Her. Poko, who has been retconned from the entire franchise is THE SON OF IKE. How is that for bear lore?

Corduroy

I could not tell you what I related to through Corduroy but there is something very lonely about this bear. Maybe it is the loss of the button, or that no one wanted them. But Lisa did! And she was a little black girl, and that was important to me as a kid. I love u Corduroy bear.

Rupert
You going to gay brunch Rupert??? Rupert used to be a brown bear and I was very up in arms about a bear being whitewashed. But a dear friend informed me, “When they did the black and white reprints back in the day they made his colour match the Interior pages and then when we got the cartoon they made it matching the current version which was a white bear.” I actually never read Rupert, I watched him on teevee but he went on very fantastic adventures.

Little Bear

I hated Little Bear because it wasn’t as good as Franklin and I was adamant there should have been more Franklin than Little Bear because it was very boring and I did not like Little Bear’s friends.

Bear In The Big Blue House

When this started airing I feel like I was in the phase of I no longer want kid things I want to be old and cool and like cool things. What a tragic loss to spend your childhood wanting to be something with a bad back and acne. We just don’t know…I love that unhinged mouse though. I think that’s who I grew up to be. I’ll never have a big house, let alone a bear in a house. A tragedy.

Paddington

PADDINGTON I LOVE YOOOOOOOOU. We could all learn a thing or to from Paddington, who, might I add, is a REFUGEE, PRISON ABOLITIONIST AND UNION ORGANIZER. He would be a perfect bear without the movie adaptations, but I can’t lie about them being some of my favourite movies. They’re the perfect feel good movies to watch when you’ve ended a two year relationship or have trapped all of your friends in your house on new years eve and given them no choice but to watch your favourite bear go on adventures.

Smokey Bear

What were they thinking drawing Smokey like he’s some dilf of the animal kingdom which is not a thought I personally think but if they were going to put him in denim they could have also given him a jacket or some flannel. Anyways Smokey is an environmentalist and I support the work he does to protect our forests. He’s like CGI now and it’s very frightening.

Yogi Bear

A criminal! Actually, he’s not. The national parks are his property and therefore if you leave a picinick basket about it belongs to him.

BooBoo Bear

Would be great in the blunt rotation, think he would make a very good poet. Also BooBoo is the cutest name.

Fozzie Bear

WHY DID THEY MAKE HIM EXPERIENCE A MICROAGGRESSION AT DINNER?! He deserves reparations.

Russian Winnie The Pooh

I am a little endeared to this winnie the pooh because all the background are animated with crayon and pastels and it’s really a beautiful cartoon to watch.

Winnie The Pooh

I love Winnie in all iterations. A perfect bear, the A.A Milne stories are very good and so are the original illustrations. I was very lucky for my birthday to get to see the exhibit they had on at the ROM and see original sketches from the books!!! Oh bother! My favourite sweater as a kid was purple and had a giant vinyl Winnie with flowers on it.

Berenstein/Bearenstain Bears

My memory is truly too shot to remember if I ever knew how their name was spelled. I read one paragraph about the conspiracy, shock pikachu faced, and exited. I love Sister Bear’s outfit as a kid, but I didn’t really vibe with the stories because they were so heavy handed in their morals. I think they would try to convert me to christianity or something and I’m like…good.

Arukuma

I love…this little…sob…mascot. They are wearing an APPLE HAT HOW PERFECT COULD YOU BE?! I want to walk them to school…I want to be their parent.

Kakitan

bears that are fruit?! perfect…angel…sunshine…

Brown (Line Bear)

I honestly…think Line bear looks kind of dumb. There is too much circle and not enough face…also aren’t they owned by BTS now or something?

Ryan Bear

Okay this is the actual BTS bear which is…a little better than Line bear but only by a little.

We Bare Bears Squad

I actually need to watch this show but the episode where Chloe (very close to CLEO) makes a presentation about why bears are the best animal was very much like they had hacked into my brain and projected it into a cartoon.

Brother Bear

Are you a poc in a disney movie that spends the entire film in the body of an animal? It’s such an annoying trope but I really fucking love this movie sob. It’s so good. The salmon run!!! help!

Mr. Bear

I feel like no one has watched Gakuen Alice which I think is a lot better than BNHA which might not be valid to even compare them but is there a sentient stuffed bear that lives in the woods with an axe in BNHA? No. He’s the forest guardian! The strongest bear ever!

Melon Kuma
HOLY SHIT!!!!

Bepo

PERFECT!!!! I love Bepo!! Oda never really gave him enough story , but I haven’t engaged with One Piece past the last 300 episodes or however many chapters I watched/read so maybe he has more! I hope so! I know that freak likes bears too.

Kumamon

A bear mascot that likes mischief. I would take their hand in marriage they are perfect I love them. They’re also RICH and have amassed over a billion dollars since 2012?! Oh no, they might be in line for the guillotine…but let’s get married first.


Holy shit you did it. I did it. How???? This is no means a definitive list to bears, but I TRIED. If I am missing a bear I need you to tell me, I need to know their name, their story. Please. Tell me your favourite bears, please I would love to know. We must celebrate the greatest animal together, in solidarity.

Have a beary good day my friends.